Day 20
It felt like a long time, but things haven't changed abit. Tried a dozen, tried to change things around but its soo unfair that Allah is still testing me further like this.
What are the odds, for me to hear about nasik kak wok in klang-aeon big jalan kapar-in the electrical section?? What kinda bloody odds would it be, to hear that someone is loving that food and his gf introduced to him? Like for fuck sake, how on earth could that even be a reality to hear that someone from this side of the world, talking about the same shop in ttdi jaya? Like wtf? And the fact that i have to queue and keep on listening to every details to it was like, is this a punishment, or is it a sign?
What are the odds that i have been hearing our songs at random places, from a supermarket, to kedai mamak to laundry..I tried my best but all these are killing me. Its not just because im listening to it..its because i love all of them with the fact that i want to listen to it. With that feeling of missing a person who never wants to see me again...the fact that my feeling never changed from the past 2 years just trips me all over again for her and this is killing me. Its really hard for me but as for her, shes being happy with God knows what shes doing.
All i wanted was a bit of "hello", and "how are you..? my days are fine and how about you?" At least.. but the fact that its all or nothing with her is just killing the inside of me and taking me to a path that im not familiar with. I have tried to change, but its like a punishment that everyturn is about her. And the fact that she doesnt want me to bother her ever is crushing my soul even further that its very hard to ever bear. I want to listen to her requests. I want to follow what she asked me to do, for once - at least according to her.. To go and to give her space.. I want to do that to show how much i love her and willing to sacrifice even if its driving me crazy. But Dear God..its so difficult. Its so difficult that i prefer to just lay down and do nothing for the whole day, and damaging myself further which wont make any difference to her. But at least shes happy for i havent bother her positive lives...
I have changed soo much..i speak less, i cant remember when the last time i laughed..she thought this is all a game. A game that she doesn't want to play. A game that im doing just to make her come back and then say, "i know this would happen". If only she knows...How much i have been thinking about her throughout the day. How much i have spent time watching her laughters thru videos...again...and again...and again...and again...just like how i did when i listen to her singing in hours of loop. How can i tell her that this is not a game...how do i tell her that i need her so bad....how do i tell her that i told her before that i dont want to meet her parents as i know this would be the outcome for me. As i know i would have fallen for her so harrd..it shows thru my face when i said i love her last birthday...it reaally showed how sincere it was..but what now....how....how.....
But what did she say, she claimed, if i love her, i should come and stay at her parents...meet them. I declined as i knew that i wouldnt ever able to let her go and now, when all becomes a reality, she said this is just a game..a game that she insist shes not going to fall into. A game that she had asked me to stop, like a flip of a switch.. maybe because she never understood the significance of a guy like me, as bad as me, meeting her parents, and liking them. I have fallen into my own heart trap. I have failed to abide to my own rules. Why? Though she cant see it yet, this is sincere...this is real...though she wont care anymore on how real my love and pain right now....i just hope she will read this.....and understand.....that my pain is real...and this is not a game anymore..i have lost my mind.
Night of 21....
