Sayang, rindu, cinta dan hati

I cant write...

Mystique

It was an absolute amazing Sunday. Got my spirits up again. Got me alive again. Got me looking forward to the next happy day...thx.....

#day27

Sorry

Im sorry to have troubled you too much...

Im sorry to have texted you too much...

Im sorry to have bothered you too much...

But pain is all i have...

Coz you are all that i need....

Day 23

She said stop and dont text anymore...
She said go and sing...
She said go and do what makes me happy...
She said its ok to express myself...
She said go and be happy...
She said come back to the team...
She said shes just guessing....
She said, her cousin just passed away......shit

Thanks for helping me on my journey AS...
I really appreciate you alot...

Day 20

Day 20

It felt like a long time, but things haven't changed abit. Tried a dozen, tried to change things around but its soo unfair that Allah is still testing me further like this.

What are the odds, for me to hear about nasik kak wok in klang-aeon big jalan kapar-in the electrical section?? What kinda bloody odds would it be, to hear that someone is loving that food and his gf introduced to him? Like for fuck sake, how on earth could that even be a reality to hear that someone from this side of the world, talking about the same shop in ttdi jaya? Like wtf? And the fact that i have to queue and keep on listening to every details to it was like, is this a punishment, or is it a sign?

What are the odds that i have been hearing our songs at random places, from a supermarket, to kedai mamak to laundry..I tried my best but all these are killing me. Its not just because im listening to it..its because i love all of them with the fact that i want to listen to it. With that feeling of missing a person who never wants to see me again...the fact that my feeling never changed from the past 2 years just trips me all over again for her and this is killing me. Its really hard for me but as for her, shes being happy with God knows what shes doing.

All i wanted was a bit of "hello", and "how are you..? my days are fine and how about you?" At least.. but the fact that its all or nothing with her is just killing the inside of me and taking me to a path that im not familiar with. I have tried to change, but its like a punishment that everyturn is about her. And the fact that she doesnt want me to bother her ever is crushing my soul even further that its very hard to ever bear. I want to listen to her requests. I want to follow what she asked me to do, for once - at least according to her.. To go and to give her space.. I want to do that to show how much i love her and willing to sacrifice even if its driving me crazy. But Dear God..its so difficult. Its so difficult that i prefer to just lay down and do nothing for the whole day, and damaging myself further which wont make any difference to her. But at least shes happy for i havent bother her positive lives...

I have changed soo much..i speak less, i cant remember when the last time i laughed..she thought this is all a game. A game that she doesn't want to play. A game that im doing just to make her come back and then say, "i know this would happen". If only she knows...How much i have been thinking about her throughout the day. How much i have spent time watching her laughters thru videos...again...and again...and again...and again...just like how i did when i listen to her singing in hours of loop. How can i tell her that this is not a game...how do i tell her that i need her so bad....how do i tell her that i told her before that i dont want to meet her parents as i know this would be the outcome for me. As i know i would have fallen for her so harrd..it shows thru my face when i said i love her last birthday...it reaally showed how sincere it was..but what now....how....how.....

But what did she say, she claimed, if i love her, i should come and stay at her parents...meet them. I declined as i knew that i wouldnt ever able to let her go and now, when all becomes a reality, she said this is just a game..a game that she insist shes not going to fall into. A game that she had asked me to stop, like a flip of a switch.. maybe because she never understood the significance of a guy like me, as bad as me, meeting her parents, and liking them. I have fallen into my own heart trap. I have failed to abide to my own rules. Why? Though she cant see it yet, this is sincere...this is real...though she wont care anymore on how real my love and pain right now....i just hope she will read this.....and understand.....that my pain is real...and this is not a game anymore..i have lost my mind.

Night of 21....

Yes, Im a bad person

I know im a bad person.

If someone told me back in 2006, that after 12 yrs, im going to fall in love 5 times to 5 different woman and the last one was the worst break up ever that will leave me crying day n night, i will tell that person to fuck off. I had the confidence of a lion to roar and just about to get anything i want and i see fit.

I can recall all the names but one really hit me hard. And its the last, which is the worst.

I always had a rule when its about to get to know ladies that eventually you would want to ditch her sometime later. But stupid enough for me, i broke my own rule on this one. I was blinded and ended up to be exactly where i know it would ended up for allll theseee years..its amazing how someone could change after 12 yrs and bcome like this pathetic. From a lion, to bcome a tiny ant whom just had to stay put, when a foot is about to drop on it.

My rules were simple;
Dont get too attach. Easy..just dont get to know each other too much, dont get that chemistry switched on too much, and dont dive your feelings in.

Simple right? Hence, after all those 4..it was sooo simple for me to let go. But the last one just fuckin hit me in my soul. My mistakes were;

1 - caring too much of her daily routines and memorizing them.
2 - getting to understand her even before she opens her mouth - i would know what she would say or respond to something.
3 - getting to know and meet the parents. This is the worst possible ever no-no...but i did.
4 - taking care of her when shes not well. This is showing care and affection and at the same time, where it would lead to your brain unconsciously, loving the person more than it should be.

Hence here we are, with a broken heart and broken brain, fail to wake up in the morning and fail to know whats right and wrong, and no energy to go about finding back my own path. Im in a total mess right now. If youre reading this, would you by any chance could help me. Im lost. I just need a guide to come back to my own self. Or should i even be my own self back again? Or maybe this is better?

Yes im a bad person. A very bad person that you should be away from...please.help.me.

2004 - 2019

Alhamdulillah..finally i gained access back to this...this is my beloved diary...its been so long and i just realised that there are a few good contents in here. Im very happy that im back in here though im not expecting anyone to read it.

Thanks Allah..

Ill start writing soon.